Statement of Gratitude

I guess an update is in order...I have been writing a lot, just not posting. I'm working on several really exciting creative projects with modeling. Well, more than modeling- I'm doing set design, makeup, hair, etc. I have found that art is the best way for me to keep my demons at bay. I expect the work I have to come will be quite controversial, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I refuse to censor myself and I encourage the "audience" and my community of fellow artists to explore what the concept means to him/her as well as society.

I've also been looking to get more publications, the next step in my artistry, so to speak. "I just want you to know who I am." I hope that my openness will come across not just online, but in print/on paper, and that it will encourage others to be honest with themselves and other people. I want people to know that they are not alone in their own quirks, dark secrets, perceived negativity...I'm right there with you. If I have any goal for my art, it is that it will inspire others to express themselves. I hunger for a connection with as many people as possible. When we reveal our inner selves to others, the walls come crashing down. We become one- I am no one.

This craving for connections comes from the feedback and communications I have had with other artists that I have collaborated with or who I admire from afar. It started with one photo shoot- and I found this whole world of beauty and exposed confusion. For most of my life I have looked for people that I can REALLY relate to- and I have found them through art. My wildest dreams have come true. People ask me what is on my "bucket list," and I can honestly say that most of those items are already checked off. I feel so blessed to be on this Earth...I just feel overwhelmed with the beauty in people and the spiritual world.

That little bit doesn't begin to describe how grateful I am feeling right now, but that will have to do. I have isolated this space for only my written work, but I am working on mixed media projects with some very talented photographers and recording artists that I will soon post here as well.

Keep creating beauty, and know that we are exploring this strange place together.

Love,
Laureate

Diminuendo Publication

Manifesto, Part 1

My name is Kat, and I am a creature of the night. I search for what is good when I’m blinded. What was once beautiful is now bleak. I don’t know why. Well, I do know, but I can’t pin down the reason and wipe it away like a smashed fly on a windshield. Words are my savior, the only proper window to my private world. I let other people in, at times; but I prefer silent strangers. I have many suitors, but I prefer dreams. I cry for help, but I prefer not to accept it. I desire eloquent proposals, but each one that I receive seems full of shit. I don’t like checking my e-mail, and yet it is obligatory. It still tastes of her and that cold heart whose existence I want to deny. The daytime makes me sick, but CSI comforts me through it. I read and wish that I was the one being read. Consider this the manifesto of the one who knows too much, and can’t find enough pages to shovel it out to powerlessness. In my head, I hear voices. Sometimes they are of the dead, pleading for a vehicle or an acknowledgment of their existence. I do my best to answer their requests. Sometimes I’m so caught up in answering that I forget to pose a question. My mouth runs far too long for the regulation ear. I have so much to say, but people want it in pieces. I was never one for censorship, the careful carving of thoughts and actions to meet the comfort levels of other humans. I find reality distasteful; I create my own. I’m much more at ease living in the abstract than indulging in the material. That can inhibit me at times (see roommate conflict #49348). I think cleaning is a waste of time. I get upset with myself if I am not constantly learning, completing, growing. Hobbies become stale to me quickly with the exception of writing. Otherwise rest is a hassle, so it becomes more work than work itself. Somehow, though, I can blank out watching television only if I expect to complete work when I’m finished. I don’t understand violence. Apparently, my roommate does. Apparently, rapists do. I’ve thought about hitting someone, but thoughts have not come close to action. Those voices I hear…they show me the product of violence. They used to follow me everywhere, but now they appear in blips. They show me the dead, either after the fact or in the middle of it. I’ve seen a nun hanging from a noose, a mangled woman on the train tracks. Usually, though, it’s my own body I see. I tend to believe these images are real, but if that were true than I will have died in about 150 ways. I don’t drink anymore, but sometimes I think about it. I think about reaching oblivion, but I rarely ever found that even when I did hit the bottle. I’ve been in a fit of depression for some reason. I was really happy for a while. I’m afraid that stating that I am depressed will only extend it. It always ends, though, and that is something I can’t afford to forget. I’m not going to take more medication. I reveal myself rather quickly. Like I said, I’m not very good at packaging bits of my life in to bite-sized pieces, nor do I really care to do so. Sometimes I feel overexposed, but the feeling is worth it knowing that I am not kidding anyone. I like novels, but I write poems. I don’t have the patience to construct a story; then again, I don’t have the patience to write a poem, either. Rather, I am merely a scribe for the language that mingles and makes love in my mind. That’s what I’m doing right now, in fact. This is only a beginning…

Phehhhh

Radiowaves are back...

Blank Space

{Knock} {Knock} Hello? Hello? (Subject 1 knocks on Subject 2)

You can't come in here. (Subject 2 is in the fetal position)

Can I see?

No, you'll eat it.
You'll swallow it whole
and I won't have it anymore.
That makes me sad.

I promise I won't keep it.

But you will.
You can't help it.
It's worth keeping.
Forever.
So it isn't yours.

I'm hurt, really hurt.

Too bad. Go away now.

Will I see you again?

If you can,
then you won't.

Hmmm.

{Pause}
{Pause}
{Pause}

Why are you still here? (Subject 2 lifts head)
Get off of me!

But I'm not on you.

It doesn't matter, get off! (Subject 2 stands up)
{Boom} (Subject 2 pushes Subject 1 to the ground)


Pffffft. (Subject 1 is lifeless. Subject 2 walks away slowly, watching each step.)

A Sloppy start to a pop song...but straight from the heart.

5 months darling and you know where my heart lies

you know you’re in the same place, no words to justify

make that a million, million, could sit here for days

talking all that stuff that you’ll always be always see

when I’m around him, her, or it or otherwise

my mouth is too big and my heart is too magnified

but you light me up, baby, light it up

because you know

and I know

that we will always be satisfied.

So don’t say you’ve got problems

Cuz don’t you see me standing here?

You’re the only one that makes me breathe

Makes me sleep knowing

That to you I’m more than fine.

This is what loneliness looks like...

I was s'posed to show up to a heartburn wedding, but my shoe got caught in the door.

ordures

daniel said that butterflies are never purple and dandelions smell like catfish and want ads go in the trash can but daniel died yesterday so his words are just broken kites and a burnt popcorn bag

that mute girl in physics was right